Being "nice" is NOT a leadership strategy

Warning. If you're a woman at work, this one may hurt...

This is one of those “punch to the gut” leadership lessons. (That I tend to specialise in!)

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And you may as well hear it from me, as it’s something I’ve wrestled with over the years.

As a female leader, I spent so long thinking - and being told - that being “nice” was the key to effective leadership.

Smile. Soften. Keep the peace. Don’t rock the boat.

Let’s call this out for what it is:

A limiting stereotype that holds women back.

It’s another one of those burdens that new (female) leaders often have to deal with, inflicted by those that went before them with a lot more privilege and a lot less insight!

Being nice is ultimately an unproductive leadership habit.

It means you have a tendency to pursue harmony at all costs.

At all costs.

Let’s say there’s a person on your team that is underperforming, and you ask the other team members to pick up the slack, or you pick up their slack yourself to avoid conflict and upsetting this person.

Whilst you may be avoiding conflict in the short term, how do you think the rest of your team feels about this? How is it impacting them? You? The outcomes you are working towards in your organisation?

Crucially - do you really think this approach is what is best for the individual in question and their ongoing learning, development and career progression?

You tell yourself you’re protecting the person. But really, you’re protecting yourself from discomfort.

• Short-term? You avoid an awkward moment.

• Long-term? You damage trust, morale, and outcomes.

Nice is not kind. Let that sink in.

And KIND is far more productive, compassionate and effective as a leadership approach.

Being kind in this example means, being open and proactive with the individual, noticing the pattern in their work behaviours and performance, exploring with them what might be behind it, clarifying the impact this is having on others, and agreeing a clear actionable plan to help them improve. (This is the Situation / Behaviour / Impact model of giving feedback.)

Being kind means you don’t shy away from challenging situations or behaviours. That you are clear AND compassionate with the people you manage and that you show just how much you care - about your people, your team, your own wellbeing and self-worth and what is most important to your organisation.

In other words, kindness is what you do when you care enough to be clear. (Go read “Radical Candour” by Kim Scott on this topic.)

Nice vs kind? I’d take kind any day. How about you?

And frankly? This idea that being liked is the currency we need as leaders? Especially female leaders?

That’s just... tired. And rooted in limiting stereotypes for women at work.

So here’s a coaching prompt for you this week (you don’t have to be female for this! Just human!)

Where in your leadership practice are you still trying to be “nice”?

And what would it look like to be kind instead?

P.S.
This is a conversation worth having! So if this resonated, send it to someone else in your network navigating leadership. Especially the women who’ve been told their job is to “keep everyone happy.”

It’s time to unlearn that.

Louise