Just like family?
Why the F word can lead to toxic behaviours at work
Welcome first of all to the new subscribers to Lead with Intention! I write about leadership, culture, communications and coaching, every two weeks. And there are more plans in the works as extend our community, so stay tuned! There’s always a cheesy GIF if nothing else…
So. Tell me this. Has your employer ever uttered a version of these words out loud?
“We like to think of our team as one big family.”
Let’s unpack this shall we?
Family is such a loaded term isn’t it? Inevitably, it comes with lots of emotional baggage, whatever your personal situation, and frankly, I don’t believe that leads to a healthy workplace.
I understand the intent and it typically comes from a good place. Employers think it means this:
“We want everyone to feel comfortable and as if they belong. We look after each other when times are tough. We have each other’s backs. We confide in each other.”
That sounds great. And indeed, it is an idealised version of what family means. It’s also a pretty significant undertaking for any organisation and a hefty commitment to make. This is how employees might interpret these words above:
“We want everyone to feel comfortable and as if they belong” - we have a holistic and meaningful inclusion strategy
“We look after each other when times are tough” - we’ll look after you if times get tough for our company
“We have each other’s backs” - we will forgive you for failure
“We confide in each other” - you can trust us
Now, I’m not saying companies shouldn’t be offering this level of pyschological safety to their employees (and that’s exactly what the best version of family really means isn’t it? A safe place?) Of course they should.
But we also know that they often don’t. Or they fall short. Or they fail to translate their well meaning words about “family” into actions that resonate with their people.
And that’s when the credibility gap opens up and employees’ experience falls headlong into the chasm. Right down to the bottom of the pit.
Functional families don’t run on platitudes and empty promises. They need work, honesty and a willingness to commit, even when things are difficult.
Same goes for your workplace. As a leader, think carefully about whether you and your team are willing to put the hard yards in, before you share beautiful statements about family. Show that you mean it.
Families aren’t always fair. Or friendly. Or forgiving.
Be honest with me here. When you think back to your childhood, were things always fair, friendly and forgiving in your family? Not for me! (Sorry sis, I know you’re reading this…)
And I bet for the majority of you, there were similar issues. It happens.
So why would we want our workplaces, where we give the majority of our waking hours, and where we work hard with all the energy and skill we have, to feel like a place that isn’t fair, isn’t always friendly and isn’t forgiving?
We expect better from where we work, because a) we have chosen to be there and b) our employer has chosen us. It’s a mutual agreement, where the rules of engagement should be made together and upfront.
In a firm where “family” is the default phrase, this level of mutual understanding and grown up agreement on the rules can often be missing.
It’s misconstrued as a place where the leader in charge can behave how they want, safe in the knowledge that employees will forgive them, because “family”.
Where favouritism can run rife, because “family”.
Where lack of due process occurs, or policies that should be there aren’t. “We don’t need that - we’re like family.”
Don’t be like that family.
When family gets forgotten
In the worst of these environments, and I speak sadly from personal experience, it’s all about family. Until it isn’t.
It’s all about family until someone makes a mistake.
It’s all about family until someone asks for a pay rise or promotion.
It’s all about family until someone challenges the status quo.
It’s all about family until difficult decisions have to be made.
Then suddenly, a switch is pressed and it becomes a company protecting itself at all costs. Again, expectation fails to match actual toxic reality.
If not family, what are we?
So many organisations lean on the family feel because it invokes - to them - the best of what families can offer. But as you’ve probably experienced, that often falls down at the first challenging hurdle. To me, it’s often an immediate red flag these days.
But how can you convey the best of this feeling, without all the toxic baggage that can accompany the F word? In a recent LinkedIn post on this topic, I recommended the phrase “shared spirit” to invoke the collectiveness and shared values of an organisation.
What would you choose? I’d love to hear ideas and will start a thread here on the substack so we can swap thoughts and inspiration.
And finally…
My coaching prompt to you for the next few weeks is this:
“How would you define your organisation’s employee promise?”
“If it’s “we’re like a family”, how else could you describe it and what would be the benefits of doing so?”
Test it out with some colleagues and some employees. Ask them what resonates.
You can find me on LinkedIn or on Twitter and I’m now offering bespoke coaching sessions to first time Directors of Communications, so get in touch if you want more information.
I hope you enjoy this newsletter. I love writing it and put considerable time into it, as I think sharing is how we all learn and grow. If you get some value out of it, please share with your network so we can grow together and build a community of modern leaders. It would mean a lot.