The apology vortex: a self-limiting trap for women at work
And the practical advice you need to lift yourself out of it
Here’s what started it all…
My group of female leaders was exploring what it felt like to communicate more confidently in exec meetings (I was leading a workshop on authentic confidence) and we were talking about some of the unconscious behaviours that we, as women, tend to lean into at work
One theme kept coming up.
Apologising for their contribution in a meeting.
You know…
"This may be a stupid question but..."
"I know this is probably really annoying to bring this up now, but..."
“You may have already thought of this, but…”
They realised...
"We do this ALL the time Louise. We hadn't realised until now, just how much and it doesn't feel good. Let's do something about it."
As a leadership coach for (mostly) female professionals, this comes up a LOT.
We can tend to shrink ourselves, under-play our contribution (and even apologise for it) and crucially, under-sell our strategic value.
It’s social conditioning of course (and if you read my post on the curse of “being nice”, that’s another bit of social conditioning for you.)
In other words, it’s…
Another one of those limiting stereotypes that (mostly) women at work have to deal with the burden of. That we have to navigate carefully UNTIL we recognise and realise that we don’t actually have to deal with the burden of it at all.
That we can choose another way. One unfettered by assumptions about what others may think of us around that board room table (and if you know anything about the Spotlight effect, you’ll know that most people in meetings are either a) as nervous as we are or b) thinking about what’s for dinner.)
That leadership team by the way? They came up with a brilliant idea for lovingly holding each other to account for their behaviours and communications in those senior meetings. (It involved deploying the code word “apricots” whenever someone apologised for what they were saying, caveated their point until it lost all impact, or otherwise under-played their value. Simple, brilliant, effective.)
Are you feeling this way in meetings as a female leader? (Or a male leader?)
If so, read on for all of my best coaching advice - including a list of really valuable communication swaps you can make - on how to overcome those self-limiting tendencies and communicate with confidence and impact.
It starts with a question I need you to ask yourself…